Today was a good day.
Today I realised that I need to try and let go. Okay, easier said than done. Totally get that. So how can you becoming accepting when you
are in the middle of a proverbial bare
knuckle fight against a Toad, a fight that will drag me down and threatens to
destroy my wellbeing? Just to explain,
the Toad is my ex. I chose a man I
thought was a Prince and once all the fun stuff like the kissing and making a
baby was complete, he turned into a Toad.
I caught him with his pants down (literally) with a very young woman. Our son had just turned one.
In hindsight I think he was always a Toad but disguised it
well. I caught him out in the odd lie
and he had cheated on his previous girlfriend.
Stupid me, not seeing the writing on the wall. Since the split many, many people have come
forward to suggest that aforementioned Toad-like behaviour was ongoing throughout the
relationship. In fact, it seems that the
Toad had certainly been busy while I was traipsing into work while he stayed at
home supposedly working on our business.
But that’s the past. The question
is how to share your much adored child with a Toad even if said Toad is not
living in the same house.
The Toad and I are in a Family Court situation. We went to court this week and he told a lot of
lies. He gained more access and it felt like
a fait accompli before the session had even started. The judges in this country are very
pro-father and don’t ask too many questions.
They don’t dig deep. I need the Toad’s permission to take my child
abroad which gives him a great deal of power over when and if, I visit my
family in my home country. It’s my mum’s
Big Birthday with Big Party and Celebrations and I have come to the realisation
today, that I may not be able to take my boy. We live a long way away from
where I was brought up and every year my son and I have carried out the pilgrimage
of two days in a plane to spend six weeks with family and friends. It has been my saving grace; it has rescued me
from the madness of feeling trapped in a country for the foreseeable future; it
has felt so good to feel nurtured, supported, believed and loved before coming
back to the abusive and bullying Toad.
Last year, the Toad limited us to four weeks. This year he is allowing us to go for two
weeks. That includes four days travel
and one week of jet lag.
So you’re probably wondering what the point is of writing
this blog. It is to help me accept the
injustice of seeing my child slowly dismantled and destroyed by the Toad and
his utterly crap parenting, his vengeful and bullying ways, his narcissistic
and manipulative behaviour, and my anger at all of the above because if I do
not start accepting the reality of my situation I will truly go off my
rocker.
I am an optimist by nature and I write in the hope that I
can, perhaps with your help, learn to LET IT GO! Accept, swallow the anger and fear, and
support my son as best I can while retaining my sanity. Up until today, I have been fighting the
Toad, but I think the time has come to accept that I cannot change this. Yes, it sucks, but there it is.
My son comes back in an hour after nine days with The
Toad. Note to self: Do Not Get Knickers in Twist. Chill.
Be Cool. Until tomorrow then.
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